Dear People of Australia, 

      Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


      Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible  for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


      Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the  SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be  RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government  deems appropriate.



      Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for  Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel  Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not  be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


      Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT  (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government  has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should  you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the  attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the  SHIT you can handle.


 Sincerely,

 Julia Gillard
 Canberra